Saturday, July 11, 2015

I see you celebrating the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage and wish I could celebrate with you, but I can’t


            Since the US Supreme Court’s decision last Friday on Obergefell vs. Hodges, I’ve seen the media flooded with images and stories of many of you celebrating the fact that the United States now recognizes your relationships and will extend to them all of the privileges that have been offered to traditionally married couples.  Even more potent, I’ve seen many of you, friends who I know and care about, sharing your feelings and experiences on social media. You look so happy, and I can imagine that I would feel the same in your shoes.  You’ve found love, companionship and romance, all of those things that we dream of in movies, books and pop songs.  So why can’t I celebrate with you? Why do I feel sad instead?  I’ve written down a few ideas, both to help me more fully understand how I feel, and I hope that it might help you to understand where I’m coming from when disagreements arise between us.
            First of all, I should explain the beliefs that have shaped my thinking on this issue.  I believe that we are all  children  of a Heavenly Father and Mother and they sent us here so we could have certain experiences and eventually grow up to become as they are.  Part of that involves each of us finding a second half, so that together we can be like our heavenly parents, God the Father and God the Mother, and create a world where our own children can go and find the experiences they need to grow into their potential.  I believe that the gender that God gave us is a part of our identity, and that just as it is impossible for two men to marry and create children on this planet, it will likewise be impossible for a same gender couple to experience all that God has in store for them.
            So, you see, that even if I were to celebrate with you now, and even if I am touched to see the love that you share with each other and all the good things that you do for your partner and the good that you two do on this planet, I know that someday this life will end and you and your partner will not be able to create your own eternal family.  You would have a very difficult choice.  You could choose to part ways and leave a life full of love and shared experiences behind you and go in search of a companion who could complete you spiritually and physically in the way God intended.  Or I suppose you two could continue together and find joy in helping to raise other people’s children but  not have the eternal union that you most desire.  I can’t make the choice for you, but neither of those options sound very appealing to me, and so I can’t celebrate with you with all my heart, but instead I hurt to see you investing physical and spiritual intimacy in a relationship that cannot last.
            But you say that your love is real and that you have found real happiness and fulfillment in this relationship, and when I read your posts and see your smiling faces on Facebook, I believe you.  How could I tell you that this love that you have found is wrong? That instead of embracing it and enjoying it, that your feelings are misdirected?  How can I tell you that you should limit your relationship to friendship, that you should resist the urge to bring sex into it?  How dare I tell you that I believe that the best option for you is to pursue a life without that kind of love in hopes that someday God will make things all right?
           Well, I’m afraid that I don’t have a very satisfying answer to that question.  I don’t know why God would make you this way, or allow you to develop this attraction.  It doesn’t seem fair that others should be able to marry and find fulfillment for both their emotional and sexual desires, but you should be told that you are doomed to hold yours back for the rest of your life.  No, that isn’t fair at all.
            The best I can offer to you is to remind you that you are not quite as alone as you might think.  I know many great women who in spite of their desires to find love and companionship, and to find someone to be their partner in raising a family, are unable to find a suitable companion, and are alone as their youth (and fertility) slips away.  They too face the prospect of going to the grave with so many needs unmet, desires unsatisfied, all for no lack of effort and apparently through no fault of their own.  I’ve also known many people who have followed the recommended path, married the man or woman of their dreams, built a family together, and yet that relationship has crumbled to the point that they can’t imagine being happy again. They’ve made a commitment to their companion that was supposed to last the rest of their life, or even into the eternities, yet now it seems that their companion has no interest in holding up their end of the bargain.  True, it is likely that things will improve if they stick it out and try to reignite a flame in that relationship.  However, for today they face a bleak future and no resolution seems likely to come before they are laid down in their graves.  Aren't  those experiences at least a little bit like yours?
            Now certainly you would say, that if all of those people could just hold on to hope, could just trust that God is in charge, that He can make even the darkest situation work for their good.  That someday when the test is over everything will be made right and their joy will be perfectly and overwhelmingly whole.  It is remarkable how God can do that. He can take a terrible situation and make it blossom.  We have all seen examples of that.  I think of those Jews in concentration camps and all that they suffered through no fault of their own, in fact, they suffered because they were trying to follow God and love Him.  Their story has become an inspiration to me, and strengthened me to hold on when I face what to me seems like a very dark day.  I wonder how they feel about those experiences now that their bodies have been laid down in graves and their spirits have returned home to God?
            And so, as you march down the street among colorful flags and as you tell me touching stories of the love that you have found, and as you rejoice to know that so many have accepted the choice that you’ve made, you may notice me on the sidelines, quiet and a little somber.  I hope you won’t think that I don’t care, and that I’m not happy for you.  It is just that in my minds eye I can see your march leading you into a thunderstorm.  In my view the path that you’ve chosen cannot take you where you would like to go.  I probably can’t make you see things my way, and there will be many who will join you and will have little interest in listening to my warnings.  They will add to my grief.  Actually, I'm morally obligated to do all that I can to try to encourage them to follow a path that leads to a better end.  Unfortunately, that will probably place you and I at odds at times.  I just hope that this little letter might help you to understand why I don’t grab a flag and join the parade, and why I may even have to ask you to turn down the music so those who are marching with you can hear the thunder in the distance.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mothers: Examples of Love and Selfless Service

Talk for Sacrament Meeting on Mother's Day: May 10, 2015
Mothers: Examples of Love and Selfless Service

(I usually don't write out talks for church in detail like this, but in this case I didn't want to say anything to a mother that they would take the wrong way so I wrote this out and delivered it almost as written.) 

            As I've worked on this talk the past several weeks, I found myself paralyzed and unable to progress because of fear that I would say something that would cause one of you mothers to cry on your special day.  So, I've decided that I'm not going to talk to you current, and future mothers (and by the way, does each of you know that, with a gospel perspective, "current and future mother" includes every woman in the room?).  In any event, sisters, I'm not talking to you and I want to talk instead to the brethren about what they can learn from the women in their lives.  Brethren, I hope I can make you cry today, and shed some guilty tears.  Actually, I'll be happy if i can even keep you awake through the end of my talk.  And sisters, i suppose its ok for you to listen if you promise to only cry happy tears.
            Today I want to encourage you brethren to follow a mother's example of selfless service.  You will probably never find a better example of selfless service than the mother who bore you or the mother who is raising your children.  Every person in this room spent the first several months of their mortal life (about 9 if all went well) safely inside our mother.  Those were long, difficult months for her.  My mom still tells me that I as her favorite because I came two weeks early.  During those 9 months Our mother took us with her everywhere she went, and probably thought of us often, and as the months passed our presence became more and more uncomfortable for her. For many of our mothers, our presence made her unbearably ill for weeks or months, unable to enjoy the foods or activities that she loved.  Most of us were fortunate enough to be born to mothers who continued that pattern of selfless service our whole lives, teaching us, loving us, and whether we recognize it or not, we owe much of what we have become to them.  In what ways could you better follow the example that mothers set of selfless sacrifice?
            The Lord taught that He "came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." (Matt. 20-28)  Our Heavenly Father sent us here so we could learn to follow that example, to learn to focus on ministering to others more than about what we receive.  Isn't that the key to a happy life.  I was thinking recently about how strange it is that once you get past about 8 years old, birthdays are almost always a big disappointment.  Perhaps the reason is because we're truly happier when we are serving others and thinking about others rather than focusing on ourselves.
            In fact, I think that service should be a part of who we are.  When we have an hour free on a weekend and think, what could I do for fun? Isn't the best thing that we could do for our personal happiness be to do something for someone else?
Now, brethren, as I bring up the topic of service, some of your minds may have wandered to houses that need to be rebuilt in Nepal, or those oppressed by poverty in south and central America, but today I want you to instead focus on the service that you can give as a parent.  Remember, whether you are a parent now or not, that in the end we are all here on earth to learn to be perfect parents.  Now in saying that I think we need to be careful; when we speak of parenthood or motherhood, I think we often get an image of a mother holding a newborn baby, or a father reading a book to a toddler before bed at night. However, parenthood is far more than that, and we all have parent-like experiences each day even if we aren't around little children.  Parenthood also includes having the courage to drag that same screaming toddler out of sacrament meeting, or to send him to his room when he's walking the line to see whether you'll care enough to enforce limits.  Parenthood is also having the courage to take away a cell phone or a computer to protect a teenager who is quite sure that they no longer need your protection.  And how many cases are there where we aren't sure what is the right way to discipline our children and we have to be in tune with the spirit and hope that the Lord will let us know if we get off track.
Now, all of those parent-child experiences may be past for many of us or may have not yet come for others.  How painful it can be to have those blessings delayed or over, or apparently never to come for us in this life.  Perhaps it would help just a little bit to realize, that God allowed medicine and nutrition to develop so that we can expect that our lives will last about four times the length of time that our children are here with us.  As hard as it can be to understand and accept, all of the different stages and situations in life are designed for our good, including that 3/4 of our life when there may not be children in our sphere of influence who need our parenting. We all have many opportunities to nurture the parenting talents that we will need in the eternities.  That same nurturing that we have in parenthood can be present in our interactions with people that we work with, with friends, and any time that we take someone by the hand, with love and patience, and help them to be a little better.  There is a woman who I work with who is a great example to this.  When I was just starting out she was always there to answer my questions and critique my first proposal when there was nothing in it for her.  I've tried to follow that example and now her influence is being magnified to the third generation of new assistant professors.  
Elder Callister recently said, "In the life to come, I do not know if titles such as bishop or Relief Society president will survive, but I do know that the titles of husband and wife, father and mother, will continue and be revered, worlds without end. That is one reason it is so important to honor our responsibilities as parents here on earth so we can prepare for those even greater, but similar, responsibilities in the life to come." (Tad R. Callister, Parents, the prime gospel teachers, October 2014 Conference)
            Of all the callings that we can receive, the calling of mother is particularly demanding. I've always been impressed by Nephi and his brother Lehi, in Helaman 5:4, who decide to abandon the judgement seat (imagine walking away from your term as president and the nice accommodations in the white house) to undertake to "preach the word of God, all the remainder of (their) days."  Every mother accepts a similar call to love and serve and worry about her children all the remainder of her days.
            Elder Holland related an exchange with a young mother that helps to highlight how demanding their role is.  "One young mother wrote to me recently that her anxiety tended to come on three fronts. One was that whenever she heard talks on LDS motherhood, she worried because she felt she didn’t measure up or somehow wasn’t going to be equal to the task. Secondly, she felt like the world expected her to teach her children reading, writing, interior design, Latin, calculus, and the Internet—all before the baby said something terribly ordinary, like “goo goo.” Thirdly, she often felt people were sometimes patronizing, almost always without meaning to be, because the advice she got or even the compliments she received seemed to reflect nothing of the mental investment, the spiritual and emotional exertion, the long-night, long-day, stretched-to-the-limit demands that sometimes are required in trying to be and wanting to be the mother God hopes she will be.”
            Why do mothers gladly enter into such a demanding role?  Do they live for the day when we'll finally recognize all that they've done and truly, deeply thank them?  No, we can't repay them for what they've done and perhaps that is the best part of being a Mother.  Service is a blessing in and of itself.  It doesn't matter if accolades come or if your children go on to be famous.  Think back on a time in your life when you've given service or done something good, did you really feel happiest when people finally noticed and thanked you for what you'd done?  Or did you perhaps feel happier as you were serving when you knew that you were giving a wonderful gift to that child (or to another person you were nurturing as a mother), and doing the work that God would do if He were here?
            In saying that, I am just trying to emphasize how noble and selfless the service of mothers is.  We all should and need to do more to help mothers see how great their role is.  Shortly after the passing of his wife, our former prophet President Hinckley said the following.

            "And so Eve became God’s final creation, the grand summation of all of the marvelous work that had gone before.
            "Notwithstanding this preeminence given the creation of woman, she has so frequently through the ages been relegated to a secondary position. She has been put down. She has been denigrated. She has been enslaved. She has been abused. And yet some few of the greatest characters of scripture have been women of integrity, accomplishment, and faith.
            "We have Esther, Naomi, and Ruth of the Old Testament. We have Sariah of the Book of Mormon. We have Mary, the very mother of the Redeemer of the world. ...

            "Crossing through His life we have Mary and Martha, and Mary of Magdala. She it was who came to the tomb that first Easter morning. And to her, a woman, He first appeared as the resurrected Lord. Why is it that even though Jesus placed woman in a position of preeminence, so many men who profess His name fail to do so?" (Hinckley October 2004, "The Women in our Lives")

            Brethren, is there anything in your actions towards the woman that surround you that is not in harmony with the savior's teachings? Have you been sufficiently grateful for all that they do?  Have you valued their opinions, gifts and contributions as the Lord does?  If you consider those questions carefully enough you will find ways in which you have fallen short.  I invite you to repent, to ask the Lord for forgiveness, and to strive to do better going forward.
            I can't pass up this opportunity to express just a tiny part of the gratitude that I feel for my mother.  I was her third child of five, third of three all 18 months apart, so she struggled through the craziness that many young mothers experience, and the crusty looks from people in the supermarket, whispering to each other that people shouldn't be allowed to have so many kids.  At that moment we were all probably proving them right by begging for candy and one of the three was probably having some sort of meltdown.  My dad was in the bishopric and then a bishop for half of my growing up years, and while he participated actively with the family when he was there, we were often all gone in different directions.  As a result, scripture study was difficult.  During those difficult years, my mother remembers hearing a talk at a Relief Society conference where the speaker quoted Marion G. Romney and then asked, "Do you want more peace in your home? Do you want harmony among your fighting children?  Then read the scriptures together."  Those and other teachings inspired her to keep trying and she was the driving force behind our family scripture study.
            To this day my mom still has a strong influence on me.  No matter how little I accomplish or how much I may mess up in this or that, any time I see my mom she makes me feel like I am the most handsome, most successful, most important person in the whole world.  I don't know how her friends don't get sick of her bragging about her kids all the time, but it means a lot to me to have a mother that cares that much about me.  Brethren, what do you need to do to be more like my mother?  Sisters, remember that my remarks are for the brethren, not for you.  I'd better not catch any of you feeling inadequate as you compare yourselves to my mother.
            The other mother who has had a profound influence on my life is my wife, Melissa. Unfortunately, there isn't enough time left in the meeting for me to even begin to tell you about her great qualities.  Instead I'll tell you about her faults… (joke).
            Now sisters, in speaking of my mother and in just mentioning my wonderful wife, I'm sure you've found ample ammunition that you could use to shoot yourselves down, because really, who could measure up to them?  But I hope you will instead focus on what your good qualities are and how you could strengthen them.  The tribute that someone would give to you today would be different from what I have just said about two of the women in my life, but your individual mix of talents and gifts are just as valuable to God.  I hope the Holy Ghost will carry that message to your heart. God values your unique talents and gifts.
I want to echo Elder Holland's praise for you mothers.  He said, Quote, "...may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. " (Because she is a mother, Holland, April 1997)
Picture in your minds that group of children up here singing to us.  How sad we would be if they were all the same.  We love that because they are all so different, some wigglers, some brightly smiling, others hiding behind the podium (that would have been me, by the way), and on and on. Our Heavenly Father loves each of us for what we add to His family, in the same way that we love those children.
            Each of you has varied talents and varied challenges and opportunities.  We all have the tendency to tear ourselves down for our weaknesses (or to find fault with others and focus on their weaknesses).  When I worked at Sandia Lab, the company paid thousands of dollars for our entire group to take a training course to help us be more effective at our work.  This training company's key innovation, was to teach us that we would be more successful if we focus on magnifying our strengths, rather than harping on our weaknesses.  Does that teaching resonate with the gospel?  The gospel teaches us that we should work on our weaknesses, but we have the atonement to help with that.  We've been commanded to live in "thanksgiving daily" and rejoice in our opportunities to do good each day with the talents that we've been given. Don't we hide our talents under a bushel when we focus too much on our weaknesses to let our good qualities shine forth?
            Sister Beck recently shared the following plea for you women.  (Julie B. Beck, “Mother Heart”, April 2004)  Oh, that every girl and woman would have a testimony of her potential for eternal motherhood as she keeps her earthly covenants. “Each is a beloved … daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine … destiny” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”).
            Now I can let the brethren lapse into sleep while I direct a few words at you, mothers.  The care you give as mothers takes all that you can give and will last the rest of your life.  Remember Nephi and Lehi, who I mentioned earlier who gave up their lives of comfort to teach the Gospel all the remainder of their days?  In Helaman 10:3-5 we read what became of Nephi.
3 And it came to pass as he was thus pondering--being much cast down because of the wickedness of the people of the Nephites, their secret works of darkness, and their murderings, and their plunderings, and all manner of iniquities--and it came to pass as he was thus pondering in his heart, behold, a voice came unto him saying:
4 Blessed art thou, Nephi, for those things which thou hast done; for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word, which I have given unto thee, unto this people. And thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine own life, but hast sought my will, and to keep my commandments.
5 And now, because thou hast done this with such unwearyingness, behold, I will bless thee forever; and I will make thee mighty in word and in deed, in faith and in works; yea, even that all things shall be done unto thee according to thy word, for thou shalt not ask that which is contrary to my will.

I hope that we can all follow the tremendous examples of service that the women in our midst have set for us.  I hope that we can make service a part of our lives, and next time we're on the TV or internet looking for entertainment that we might ask, would I be happier if I spent these moments serving someone in my family?
Testimony, close

So, that's it, but there's one nice quote that I didn't fit in:

“Life doesn’t come with a manual, it comes with a mother.” (familysearch.org)

And I've always liked this song about how important a Mother's work is.

She is not the picture on a magazine,
she's the woman just behind you, in the checkout stand.
She is not a highly honored diplomat
Held responsible to lead the world to peace
But what she does is every bit as serious
Amidst the turmoil everywhere that will never cease
She has hands that wipe the tears away
And she has a voice that makes everything O.K.
And no woman from the papers or T.V. could ever hope to be
As indispensable as she
It breaks my heart every time I see her wonder
If she means anything in this world that pulls her under…
She may not be known for giving millions
To charities and auctions on the news
But I believe she's given more than anyone
In all the times she's ever had to choose
To give up sleep to rock her children every night
And give her heart to always hold their dreams so tight
And the best that you or I could ever hope to be
Is as wonderful as she