Today started out as bad day. I woke up worrying about things to do, and then was faced with various other problems that I don't have solutions to. My mind was caught in a loop considering all of the problems that I have, all of the dead ends trying to find solutions to them, and I was just feeling pretty hopeless and miserable. It wasn't my darkest morning, but definitely not a good one.
In the midst of this, there was a strong temptation to just go along with my usual routine. That would have required spending time with people and making small talk and pretending everything is fine, doing things that I sometimes enjoy, but that I probably wouldn't enjoy this morning. I wasn't doing too terribly bad. I could have made it through the day. Heck, that is what I usually do and how I got to where I am.
Somehow I recognized that this wasn't going to work today, and that I'd be better off doing something else that might make me feel better. I enjoy hiking; that has become one of my go to pick-me-up activities. But it was a Sunday morning, I didn't have a lot of time, and none of the trails nearby sounded exciting. The only one that called to me at all was 30 minutes drive and would take at least an hour. No, I wasn't going to do that. I'd just fake it through the day again.
But then, somehow against the prospect of faking it and slogging through the day, I made a choice to do something different. Before I knew it I was in my car on the way to the trail head. I put some music on the radio. I spent some time trying to come to grips with my problems and sort out my feelings, but I didn't make much progress. However, I wasn't too far down the road before things started looking up. This windy road to the trail was so fun to drive in my little car. I thought, "Maybe I should just forget the hike and drive." A while later I got to the trail head and decided to at least get out and check out the trail. I started walking/jogging along and the trail didn't disappoint. It started to feel good to be out, to be sweating, to be jogging down this trail when others just walk. I tried a little branch off of the trail, to see if I could reach a nearby peak. That didn't go to well, so I found my way back to the trail. I don't know when it happened, but on the way back down I saw this view of ferns growing chest-high among the aspen trees. It was at that point that I realized that I felt truly, sincerely happy. I wasn't faking it, I felt good. I could see the beauty around me and actually feel it, not just pretend to or say to others that it was nice when I didn't really mean it.
You know what is strange about this, all of the problems that had been bugging me in the morning were still there. None of that had changed. Those problems would be there for me again when I got back home. I may never find solutions to some of them, or at least may have to settle with making a choice between two poor options. But as I came down the trail I felt better. I was doing what I could to make my life as good as I could, within the constraints that I had. And there were amazing, beautiful things to enjoy and be grateful for.
This is a lesson that has been repeated to me many times as I've struggled to overcome my depression. It is also something that Jody Moore teaches frequently (and explains so very well - check out her podcast if you're interested, especially this episode). We think that our feelings are a product of our circumstances, but they are not. Our feelings come from our thoughts, and with some learning and a lot of practice we can change our thoughts and feel better even though our circumstances haven't changed.
As you read this, you may be thinking, "I hate hiking, that would never work for me." If you're thinking that, congratulations - that is awesome that you already know what you like and don't like! It has taken me a while to get to that point, and even start to figure out what I even liked (I mean besides all of those things that I couldn't have, and which I would dwell on and feel miserable about not having). At this point I've found a few things I can go to, and I'm working on discovering more. For you those things may be totally different. For me so far the key has been to discover what choices I have the power to make that can help me to feel even just a little better. And then when I want to feel better, to look for something different that I can choose.
