Saturday, July 11, 2015

I see you celebrating the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage and wish I could celebrate with you, but I can’t


            Since the US Supreme Court’s decision last Friday on Obergefell vs. Hodges, I’ve seen the media flooded with images and stories of many of you celebrating the fact that the United States now recognizes your relationships and will extend to them all of the privileges that have been offered to traditionally married couples.  Even more potent, I’ve seen many of you, friends who I know and care about, sharing your feelings and experiences on social media. You look so happy, and I can imagine that I would feel the same in your shoes.  You’ve found love, companionship and romance, all of those things that we dream of in movies, books and pop songs.  So why can’t I celebrate with you? Why do I feel sad instead?  I’ve written down a few ideas, both to help me more fully understand how I feel, and I hope that it might help you to understand where I’m coming from when disagreements arise between us.
            First of all, I should explain the beliefs that have shaped my thinking on this issue.  I believe that we are all  children  of a Heavenly Father and Mother and they sent us here so we could have certain experiences and eventually grow up to become as they are.  Part of that involves each of us finding a second half, so that together we can be like our heavenly parents, God the Father and God the Mother, and create a world where our own children can go and find the experiences they need to grow into their potential.  I believe that the gender that God gave us is a part of our identity, and that just as it is impossible for two men to marry and create children on this planet, it will likewise be impossible for a same gender couple to experience all that God has in store for them.
            So, you see, that even if I were to celebrate with you now, and even if I am touched to see the love that you share with each other and all the good things that you do for your partner and the good that you two do on this planet, I know that someday this life will end and you and your partner will not be able to create your own eternal family.  You would have a very difficult choice.  You could choose to part ways and leave a life full of love and shared experiences behind you and go in search of a companion who could complete you spiritually and physically in the way God intended.  Or I suppose you two could continue together and find joy in helping to raise other people’s children but  not have the eternal union that you most desire.  I can’t make the choice for you, but neither of those options sound very appealing to me, and so I can’t celebrate with you with all my heart, but instead I hurt to see you investing physical and spiritual intimacy in a relationship that cannot last.
            But you say that your love is real and that you have found real happiness and fulfillment in this relationship, and when I read your posts and see your smiling faces on Facebook, I believe you.  How could I tell you that this love that you have found is wrong? That instead of embracing it and enjoying it, that your feelings are misdirected?  How can I tell you that you should limit your relationship to friendship, that you should resist the urge to bring sex into it?  How dare I tell you that I believe that the best option for you is to pursue a life without that kind of love in hopes that someday God will make things all right?
           Well, I’m afraid that I don’t have a very satisfying answer to that question.  I don’t know why God would make you this way, or allow you to develop this attraction.  It doesn’t seem fair that others should be able to marry and find fulfillment for both their emotional and sexual desires, but you should be told that you are doomed to hold yours back for the rest of your life.  No, that isn’t fair at all.
            The best I can offer to you is to remind you that you are not quite as alone as you might think.  I know many great women who in spite of their desires to find love and companionship, and to find someone to be their partner in raising a family, are unable to find a suitable companion, and are alone as their youth (and fertility) slips away.  They too face the prospect of going to the grave with so many needs unmet, desires unsatisfied, all for no lack of effort and apparently through no fault of their own.  I’ve also known many people who have followed the recommended path, married the man or woman of their dreams, built a family together, and yet that relationship has crumbled to the point that they can’t imagine being happy again. They’ve made a commitment to their companion that was supposed to last the rest of their life, or even into the eternities, yet now it seems that their companion has no interest in holding up their end of the bargain.  True, it is likely that things will improve if they stick it out and try to reignite a flame in that relationship.  However, for today they face a bleak future and no resolution seems likely to come before they are laid down in their graves.  Aren't  those experiences at least a little bit like yours?
            Now certainly you would say, that if all of those people could just hold on to hope, could just trust that God is in charge, that He can make even the darkest situation work for their good.  That someday when the test is over everything will be made right and their joy will be perfectly and overwhelmingly whole.  It is remarkable how God can do that. He can take a terrible situation and make it blossom.  We have all seen examples of that.  I think of those Jews in concentration camps and all that they suffered through no fault of their own, in fact, they suffered because they were trying to follow God and love Him.  Their story has become an inspiration to me, and strengthened me to hold on when I face what to me seems like a very dark day.  I wonder how they feel about those experiences now that their bodies have been laid down in graves and their spirits have returned home to God?
            And so, as you march down the street among colorful flags and as you tell me touching stories of the love that you have found, and as you rejoice to know that so many have accepted the choice that you’ve made, you may notice me on the sidelines, quiet and a little somber.  I hope you won’t think that I don’t care, and that I’m not happy for you.  It is just that in my minds eye I can see your march leading you into a thunderstorm.  In my view the path that you’ve chosen cannot take you where you would like to go.  I probably can’t make you see things my way, and there will be many who will join you and will have little interest in listening to my warnings.  They will add to my grief.  Actually, I'm morally obligated to do all that I can to try to encourage them to follow a path that leads to a better end.  Unfortunately, that will probably place you and I at odds at times.  I just hope that this little letter might help you to understand why I don’t grab a flag and join the parade, and why I may even have to ask you to turn down the music so those who are marching with you can hear the thunder in the distance.